I can’t believe…

I am in so much pain.  And I am my mother’s daughter, because good goddamn can i make my life look good from the outside.  I can make things look a-ok.  And they are totally NOT.

I am in love with E.  My love story is not bullshit.  But, things are rough.  And when things are rough with E, things are really rough.  Not physically rough.  I’ve been in those relationships before (unfortunately) and I actually think that would be easier.  When things are rough with E, things are emotionally and mentally rough.

I don’t know how to handle it anymore.  I’ve described how we met and how quickly we went from “dating” to “family & home.”  That’s about how quickly we went from lovey-dovey to fighting like cats and dogs.  It didn’t help that his ex came out of the woodwork (yeah…you may have read the post “Prose…Breaking the Barrier”) and that caused all holy hell to be let loose.  We are still suffering the fall out of that, because that planted little mind bombs that go off at times I am unable to predict.  It doesn’t help that the XGF lives in our neighborhood. Or that her daughter and my son are in the same grade.  The two of them have…Who am I kidding, HE has lied to me about talking to her, seeing her (not planned, at the store or something), texting her… She, when I was pregnant, said she thought my baby was supposed to be her baby.  And he wanted to keep her around. “As a friend.” Despite my tears, the pain it caused me.  Knowing that he would spare her the feelings of cutting her off as a friend instead of my feelings of being slighted as the woman of the house.

I type this shit and I can’t believe that I take it, but I do.

Things may go well for a couple of weeks.  I am lulled into believing he is happy.  If ONE thing is off, BAM… “I can’t stand your ass!” “I shoulda left your ass at the bar!” “This shit ain’t gonna work for me!” “I just can’t do this!”

And the new one last night? Looking for an apartment.

I am trying to grow/be better.  He saw the XGF at school when dropping off the Thinker.  Later that day I receive a forwarded email from him. “XGF has sent you a message through Facebook…”

The message was written to me, though. Part of what she wrote?

In my opinion she was right to feel the way she did and you were right to put that distance there for the sake of your relationship with her.  I hope it wont be too awkward if and when I see you all…hope we can put this behind us.

Of course, Eric then proceeded to tell her to lie about seeing him.  I called her. I wanted to hear her tell me she didn’t.  But by then, Eric had given HER the green light to tell me the truth… GIVEN HER??? THE GREEN LIGHT???

I have since spoken with her.  I am trying to help make amends in the whole situation.  I guess I trying to be the “cool gf.” But last night I woke up after dozing off for a couple of hours to them chatting on fb.  And I guess I woke at the end of their convo. I suddenly became anxious. Wanted to know what the chat was about. And it didn’t help that she then typed… “Make sure you clear the chat history…”

WTF!!! I flipped out.  And E hated me for it.  Started looking for apartments.  Refused to talk to me.  Refused to sleep in bed.

I am so sad.  I am so lost.  He told me that my problem is her, so I should take it up with her.  And that I should take him at his word (despite all his previous lies).

So I called her.  I know.  I lost it. And I hung up before she answered, she called back and left a voicemail letting me know that I should call her back if I could and that she’d be up.

It’s too much.  I can’t have a successful relationship with him.  I don’t know if I can at all.  I guess I don’t trust him.  I guess he hurt me too much.  I want him to look at me and say, “I understand why you are hurt, still hurting, and I will wait for you to heal.” But instead he says he can’t stand my ass and that he has had enough.

I’m tired of being on the outside of my own relationship.  I’m tired of him calling the shots on what we can talk about and what we can’t because he’s “done discussing it.”

I need to find the answer to this.  I need to find my strength, myself in this.

I can’t believe that I’m here.  I can’t believe that he doesn’t love me enough to love ME.  As I am. Pain and all.

How do I move forward? Can it be with him?

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~ by The Mommy Tsunami on October 1, 2009.

11 Responses to “I can’t believe…”

  1. I am sorry. I feel your pain. I recommend a book called “Love Without Hurt”, by Steven Stosny. It will help you see who you really are, how wonderful you are, it will give you tools and E if he wants to try. I know it is hard, painful and hurtful. Listen to the inner voice that says you are worth it. You are. It is a tough situation, something has to change. I am here to support you as you decide what that change needs to be and navigate it. Hugs and love to you. You are worth it.

  2. Oh, sweetie. I am so sorry that you are going through this right now. I can feel the fear and pain through your words. Would he or you consider seeing a therapist? If so, it may help to have a 3rd party involved in order to help navigate the direction of your relationship, whether you stay together or not, and it may help him be a little more honest about what’s going on. It sounds to me like he gets pretty defensive when you try to have this discussion with him and I don’t think that’s fair at all to you. You do deserve SO MUCH MORE than this. Your partner should be someone that is there to reassure and comfort you, not use his words as daggers to make you feel even more alone. I hope you would be able to work these issued out with E, but if you or he can’t or won’t, know deep down in your heart: You. Will. Be. Okay. You will heal from this. You will find a man who will support and love you the way your deserve and want to be loved. I believe that and I believe in you. XOXO

  3. this makes me want to cry. and i’m just so sorry that you’re going through ANY of this. i can relate to not being able to trust him. i’ve been there. i’ve been hurt and it never gets easier. time may heal wounds enoughto function normally but those things always stay with you. it sucks. as far as the ex gf…i’ve been there too. that’s exactly what i’m dealing with right now and what i’ve been blogging about lately. i’m having major ex gf issues—she just WONT GO AWAY. i wish we lived closer. we have so much to talk about. xoxoxo stay strong.

  4. I’m sorry mama. I know how awful it is to have a broken heart. He doesn’t deserve you. I wish there were a way for me to help you feel better and feel the strength needed to stand up and say “I don’t deserve this bullshit any more!”

    Whatever happens, we’re here for you.

    XO.

  5. Oh Mamacita. No words from me can help. Maybe merlot. Consider yourself hugged. Xoxo

  6. Honey I wish there was a black and white answer to this. You have to go with your gut, your heart. No one knows how bad the hurt is, but you. If it were me, I would not want my sons to see their father disrespecting their mother. The fact that E puts the ball in her court concerns me, also that he is so quick to leave. UGH Angel you are worth your weight and gold, just remember that. Put you and your boys first. I wish I had a better response. It took me all day to say my unhelpful dribble. Love you girl.

  7. I am no strong. I don’t know why I don’t believe that I deserve better. That I deserve to be loved unconditionally. That’s how I love him. But from his actions AnD his words, I can see that that love is not returned. I want to crawl into a hole. I want to lay in my bed under covers and not come out. I’m 33! Where is my life? My love? Why am I denyig MYSELF my own happiness?

    • Well Cara really said it all a hundred times better than I could. You do deserve all those things and more. You HAVE to believe in yourself and fight for yourself. Just like you would for your kids, because when you take care of yourself you are taking care of them. You are there main lifeline and when mama’s not happy ain’t nobody happy.
      Treasure yourself and your boys friend. HUGS

  8. Angel, I am sorry. More sorry than my words can say. You deserve to be lifted up, loved, cherished, spoken to & treated like the woman you are. You deserve to be worshiped, adored, carried, not dragged. You deserve honesty, compassion, truthfulness, transparency. You deserve security, companionship, love without fear. You deserve all of this & more. I wish I had something more than words to offer you. You are an amazing, strong woman & I wish he could see that.

  9. How my heart breaks for you. But you know you are worthy and deserving. Decide what you want and try to make it happen. Stop letting him determine how this goes down. If you have to do it by yourself, go see someone to help you be able to do that. I believe in you. Be strong and take care of yourself first; then let the rest fall where it may.

  10. […] through in the last two and an half years. I started to tell my story in a protected blog named “I can’t believe,” which is now no longer protected. I can no longer pretend that even if I never talked about it, […]

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