I can’t believe…

I am in so much pain.  And I am my mother’s daughter, because good goddamn can i make my life look good from the outside.  I can make things look a-ok.  And they are totally NOT.

I am in love with E.  My love story is not bullshit.  But, things are rough.  And when things are rough with E, things are really rough.  Not physically rough.  I’ve been in those relationships before (unfortunately) and I actually think that would be easier.  When things are rough with E, things are emotionally and mentally rough.

I don’t know how to handle it anymore.  I’ve described how we met and how quickly we went from “dating” to “family & home.”  That’s about how quickly we went from lovey-dovey to fighting like cats and dogs.  It didn’t help that his ex came out of the woodwork (yeah…you may have read the post “Prose…Breaking the Barrier”) and that caused all holy hell to be let loose.  We are still suffering the fall out of that, because that planted little mind bombs that go off at times I am unable to predict.  It doesn’t help that the XGF lives in our neighborhood. Or that her daughter and my son are in the same grade.  The two of them have…Who am I kidding, HE has lied to me about talking to her, seeing her (not planned, at the store or something), texting her… She, when I was pregnant, said she thought my baby was supposed to be her baby.  And he wanted to keep her around. “As a friend.” Despite my tears, the pain it caused me.  Knowing that he would spare her the feelings of cutting her off as a friend instead of my feelings of being slighted as the woman of the house.

I type this shit and I can’t believe that I take it, but I do.

Things may go well for a couple of weeks.  I am lulled into believing he is happy.  If ONE thing is off, BAM… “I can’t stand your ass!” “I shoulda left your ass at the bar!” “This shit ain’t gonna work for me!” “I just can’t do this!”

And the new one last night? Looking for an apartment.

I am trying to grow/be better.  He saw the XGF at school when dropping off the Thinker.  Later that day I receive a forwarded email from him. “XGF has sent you a message through Facebook…”

The message was written to me, though. Part of what she wrote?

In my opinion she was right to feel the way she did and you were right to put that distance there for the sake of your relationship with her.  I hope it wont be too awkward if and when I see you all…hope we can put this behind us.

Of course, Eric then proceeded to tell her to lie about seeing him.  I called her. I wanted to hear her tell me she didn’t.  But by then, Eric had given HER the green light to tell me the truth… GIVEN HER??? THE GREEN LIGHT???

I have since spoken with her.  I am trying to help make amends in the whole situation.  I guess I trying to be the “cool gf.” But last night I woke up after dozing off for a couple of hours to them chatting on fb.  And I guess I woke at the end of their convo. I suddenly became anxious. Wanted to know what the chat was about. And it didn’t help that she then typed… “Make sure you clear the chat history…”

WTF!!! I flipped out.  And E hated me for it.  Started looking for apartments.  Refused to talk to me.  Refused to sleep in bed.

I am so sad.  I am so lost.  He told me that my problem is her, so I should take it up with her.  And that I should take him at his word (despite all his previous lies).

So I called her.  I know.  I lost it. And I hung up before she answered, she called back and left a voicemail letting me know that I should call her back if I could and that she’d be up.

It’s too much.  I can’t have a successful relationship with him.  I don’t know if I can at all.  I guess I don’t trust him.  I guess he hurt me too much.  I want him to look at me and say, “I understand why you are hurt, still hurting, and I will wait for you to heal.” But instead he says he can’t stand my ass and that he has had enough.

I’m tired of being on the outside of my own relationship.  I’m tired of him calling the shots on what we can talk about and what we can’t because he’s “done discussing it.”

I need to find the answer to this.  I need to find my strength, myself in this.

I can’t believe that I’m here.  I can’t believe that he doesn’t love me enough to love ME.  As I am. Pain and all.

How do I move forward? Can it be with him?

~ by The Mommy Tsunami on October 1, 2009.